Written by: Danielle Honigstein Kasturi
If you’ve ever walked away from a disagreement with your partner thinking, “Why do we keep having this same fight?” you’re not alone. Whether you’ve been together for 5 months or 20 years, every couple eventually finds themselves disagreeing about something that they just can’t seem to move past. It’s incredibly common, and it’s exhausting. When the same argument keeps repeating without resolution, it can wear down even the strongest relationship. Thankfully, Howard Markman and the researchers from PREP (Prevention and Relationship Education Program) have developed a research-backed and empirically tested strategy for effectively addressing relationship conflicts—one that couples can easily learn and apply in their own lives.
Step 1: Discuss the Problem
You may have talked about this issue many times before, but the conversations haven’t been productive. The goal of this step is to ensure that both people feel understood by their partner and understand their partner’s perspective. PREP’s transformative Speaker Listener Technique helps accomplish this by applying some ground rules for discussion:
- One partner speaks at a time
- Speak only for yourself (hint: use “I statements”)
- Keep statements brief
- When one partner finishes speaking, the other partner paraphrases what they heard
- Listen to understand- not to prepare your rebuttal
Step 2: Break It Down
Couples often try to solve the entire issue at once, causing them to feel frustrated, overwhelmed, and ready to give up. Instead, break the conflict into multiple, smaller pieces and choose just one specific part to focus on first.
Step 3: Brainstorm
Now’s the time to get creative. Throw out any and all possible solutions. The goal here is to identify as many options as possible, so don’t shoot down any ideas- even if they seem ridiculous. Write these ideas down as you go.
Step 4: Agree
Now we’ve reached the pivotal part: implementing a solution! Pick one of your ideas and decide how long you’ll try it out for. Think of this as an experiment, not a permanent decision. If this first idea doesn’t work, no big deal- you simply try another option. This removes the pressure to try to find the perfect solution right away.
Step 5: Follow Up
After the agreed-upon time, check in with each other. If this solution didn’t work, revisit your list of solutions and choose another approach to try. You may even need to repeat the brainstorming process with new insight that you’ve gleaned. If this solution did solve your problem- congratulations! Celebrate with your partner that you’ve just solved a problem like pros.
Final Thoughts
Most couples don’t struggle because they don’t care about each other- they struggle because they don’t have a clear way to solve problems together. Having a structured process for addressing issues can transform arguments from frustrating dead ends into productive conversations. Of course, many couples find it difficult to do this on their own, especially when emotions run high. Couples therapy can help partners slow down, communicate more effectively, and work through problems in a way that actually brings them closer.
If you’re interested in learning more about skills for strengthening your relationship, our PREP-certified therapist is available for couples therapy and Relationship Skills Bootcamps—created to teach committed partners tools and skills for maintaining healthy relationships. Contact the AICT intake coordinator at 212-308-2440 for more information.